Blurbs, Rants and Ramblings on politics, entertainment, feminism, ethnicity, love, relationships and all that jazz.

Jealous bitches Part 1: I hit it first

June 5th, 2013 Posted in Uncategorized

I hit it first!

So I’ve always thought I was a good co-parent. Not the best, not the worst. I put my kids first. I also have almost always had a decent relationship with my ex-husband. So good, I would send dinners to his house, if he moved from an apartment I would take extra meds so I could function physically and clean it so he could get his deposit, he could come to me to take a photo of him to reach out to other women on E-Harmony. I even helped him picked out the trifling trick he’s with now. Clearly we both have questionable judgment. I mean, if I was a bad choice, she sure wasn’t a one up. But we’ve managed and we’ve been fine. Well…ok.

Last month there was a bug in the mix. I gave him the number of my yard service last year…a service I valued until they started charging me for mowing my lawn and my neighbor’s lawns. Backtrack-when he and I had our last court appearance, when he was $27k in arrears and used every trick in the book to reduce by half,  I moved from the house and he was fine with me leaving some things in the house because I only had one arm working and 10 days to get moved. In between that, I had a trip planned for months before to NYC. I had 4 days to find a place and move…bad credit, one arm and move your ass…but I did it.

This year, it rained here for days on end. The grass grew and kept growing and I knew I needed to find a time to cut my grass. I also remembered that my lawn mower, something movers can’t transport because it isn’t in a box, was still at the old house. So I sent him a text and asked for my mower AND/OR the number to our lawn service.

Rather than a response from him, this is what I received:

“ Hi Jocelyn, this is Fug. Ex is busy and does not have time to care for your lawn. I am sure that you are fully capable of figuring out a solution without leaning on Ex. Thanks and have a great night.”


First and foremost, I never ASKED him to mow my lawn. I asked for my mower. MINE. AND/OR the name of the jacked up service I used last year. I have a new iphone and the numbers weren’t saved. But that’s not the crux of this. This trick had the NERVE to CONTACT me….on his behalf ( balls a missing ) and with him sitting NEXT to her. This is tantamount to “showing one’s ass”.

Fug and I went back and forth a few times with her insulting me ( and thusly him and our children), calling my wedding dress a Vegas Special. A wedding gown bought in a boutique on Nicollet Mall in the wedding district and daring to say “I have THE RING now.” LMAO! A ring I pawned from a man I kicked out of my life and my house, more than once.

Not one to beat around the bush, I picked up the phone and called at the number she texted me from. I’m still floored as to when a “fiance” wannabe has the right to call the parent of your children, unless some tragedy has occurred, but if she wanted to dance, I will put on my tap shoes and two step all around her.

THIS over me asking for MY property or a phone number. This. Ex’s ballsack was clearly lodged deeply in her throat and had already been surgically removed from him. I said things. Some I regret. I went for the jugular. Maybe I hoped to dislodge his nuts. Or maybe I just wanted to remind her she had a past and I knew it. He told me about her from the first night at her house when she stripped and lay spread eagle on a bed for a stranger and he walked away.

I was mean. Probably. I’d like to say she deserved it and maybe she did but her son didn’t deserve the energy I threw that way. I was angry. How dare she try to interfere with ANY conversation I have with my ex-husband. I STILL bore his children, they bare his name as do I and this vulture – unemployed but living off of her ex’s suicide benefits, fug come at me. HOW DARE SHE?

How dare he allow it? He’s with her for a time, perhaps until his death….but I gave birth to his children and that ancestry lives time infinite. He proved to be exactly the man I divorced. Just weak. I actually found myself laughing when she dared throw “BUT I HAVE THE RING” in my face…a ring I held for many years…with a diamond my mother gave him? Lol. Ok, girl.

This from a man who reneged on an agreement to SELL him my portion our home, by allowing me to sign the paperwork and NEVER EVER EVER paying me what he promised. OR ANYTHING! He doesn’t understand karma. I do…which is why I haven’t come for him….yet. I don’t need revenge and I don’t need anger and I don’t need jealousy. They occupy those realms. What I have is children who are not so young and see everything. I don’t have to say or do a thing. I can co-parent from a place of “my kids are better off with ME happy. You made your bed” whilst I lay in another one with another. He has no foresight. Poor thing.

I’m only writing this to purge my guilt because I stooped to their level. I should never have responded. He should have NEVER given her my number. I’m the mother of his children, but he let his dick decide. I let their insecurities, his need for vengeance ( which she still won’t see as love for me ) interfere with my life. I let it temper my words.

I only got upset when she asked me to slow down and speak English because “I don’t understand you people.” YOU PEOPLE! She said it twice. Isn’t “bitch” the same in Negro speak? White folks and their racism…smh. He sat there next to her while she said that, not realizing what she meant and how it impacts the view she has on his HALF BLACK kids. I wish this was a rare circumstance. I wish….but so often white privilege takes hold in all categories of living. This was just one episode.

P.S. I bet he still growls before he enters her. FYI…I taught him that. I hated it.  Enjoy.

P.S.S Her child is allowed to call my daughter “Brown Lauren” AND HE ALLOWS THIS!

P.S.S.S. Ain’t slander if it’s true.

Quote for the day

October 16th, 2012 Posted in Uncategorized

“How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.”
Wayne W. Dyer

“Not only is there often a right and wrong, but what goes around does come around, Karma exists, chickens do come home to roost, and as my mother, Phyllis, liked to say, “There is always a day of reckoning.” The good among the great understand that every choice we make adds to the strength or weakness of our spirits—ourselves, or to use an old fashioned word for the same idea, our souls. That is every human’s life work: to construct an identity bit by bit, to walk a path step by step, to live a life that is worthy of something higher, lighter, more fulfilling, and maybe even everlasting.”
Donald Van de Mark, The Good Among the Great: 19 Traits of the Most Admirable, Creative, and Joyous People


October 12th, 2012 Posted in Uncategorized

We loved each other. We had a song; Soulshine by the Allman Brothers. We had it engraved in our wedding rings. There was nothing else but love. We barely had enough money for the rings. The song said,  “You gotta let your Soul shine.It’s better than sunshine, It’s better than moonshine, Damn sure better than rain. “ I knew he loved me. I loved him. We had a song. And then, something happened.

Maybe it was an injury, maybe abuse, maybe an affair and that person who you looked at and saw through, saw to and saw more than any other became a stranger to your heart. It hurt. It still hurts.

What now? I mean, we stood outside in the rain together waiting for Christopher Cross to perform. We cried at the birth of a child, two actually, together. We held each other when our grandparents died. We really loved each other. We introduced each other into our future selves.Then we slipped away…sometimes we battled to beat the wall of us was just too much…and then we quit. But now…what happens. Even gone and so far away, I wonder  and I think about that song…is that part of our souls forever gone or will our souls shine again?

Do you piece yourself together and re-unite? Do you forget he ever existed? Are you forced to deal with him because your love produced and reproduced? It’s a very difficult road to maneuver. While I’d advise not driving at all, most times we have no choice. They are there…and then, what do we do? I mean, we had a song.

For me, it’s difficult and doesn’t offer signs of letting up. I gave up on love to free the one I loved. My life became too much, my love too much. I was far more than he could or should deal with so rather than even give him choice in the matter, I bailed. I’ve always and always will feel assured in my decision, for us. But we have children. That makes it hard. So hard. Forever tied. That and yeah….And we had a song.

I often wonder if I couldn’t have repaired myself enough to be loved again by him and hang on to the threads of our marriage. I wonder. They got tight, those threads, but we always loved each other. We did. But he could never become the man I needed him to become and I could never get well enough to be the women he deserved. We’ll die with these truths. Even though, we had a song….

Marriage is hard work. Divorce is harder. Co-parenting is a beast. It takes your all, when you have least of all to give. This is when you become you. When you suddenly give it and realize you had it. You look back and sadness can take you, and you look again…and sometimes again, but that last time it doesn’t take you over. That’s when you know you made it through divorce.